Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Having Fibro and Being a Christian

Fibro, Fibro, go away.... and don't come back another day..... Oh my!! It has been one of those day! I literally hurt from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. It hurt just to pick up a large soda... this is not normal and NOT fun either!! And now, I tried to go to bed, but the pain is shooting and oh, I want it to stop... I hate flare-ups.... I should take a hot shower or bath, but even that takes energy I do not have! I feel very depleted and feel like my fibro has sucked part of my life away... Just standing even took it's toll on my tonight....

I try not to let it, but there are days when it knocks me down and I am not getting up any time soon! I want to sleep, but the pain is throbbing and burning and shooting up my left side... I have had this pain before and have noticed it more and more.... as long as it doesn't lead to the debilitating headaches I used to get!!! If I start to feel like I need to, I will see the specialist to talk about the radio-frequency procedure to deaden my nerves in that area!

It's very hard to feel happy when I hurt this much! When I was "trying" to move around, all I could do was hold my arms up, but even the lightest touch hurt as well.... I just sat down in my room and cried... and prayed.... And YES God is with me, but I am still human and I hurt and I mourn and I cry! What does help me is knowing God sees my tears and is right there beside me, whether I "feel" Him there or not... that doesn't change Who He Is!!

I hate pain days... Not only do I hurt, I am also SOOOO tired! One nice thing with the girls in school, I can rest and sleep... I have noticed mondays are my WORST days.... I was tender the last few days, but today it's like all that tenderness went deep into my musles and skeletal system and is now pushing to get back out, yet stuck, so tight, I keep trying and trying to relax my neck/shoulder muscles, but it hurts to even move it much... especially my left side, it shoots from the neck area (where one of my worst trouble spots/areas are) and it shoots up and down, I can't hardly turn my neck, my mobility sucks, and right now, it just plain sucks!!

I am so blessed to have the support system I do have. Some people may think it's a given that I'll be ok, but I need to hear it. I feel more vulnerable and more emotional when my pain/fibro is flaring up. I appreciate and need all the support I have! Just a word to say, it'll be ok.... thank you to all my wonderful friends, including all the wonderful fellow fibro/chronic pain survivors, and family! You have no idea how much the support is means to me! Well, if it means this much to me, and it means that much to you, then we are mutually supporting one another....Besides sleep, support is a HUGE key in the healing process of fibromyalgia! But Fibro is also very isolating as it hurts to go out. It hurts just to hold yourself up. Being online in facegroup sites and such has been absolutely wonderful for me!! I has been a tremendous help and I am exceeding greatful!

As much as I have fibromyalgia, I am also a Christian. I became a Christian BEFORE I had fibro and like every other relationship in my life, my relationship with Jesus Christ also changed! In some ways it is stronger and in other ways, there are new cracks and misunderstandings... from my part, cuz God is God and God is good and God is love and God doesn't make mistakes... but then why are so many of us hurting or sick or in pain or get cancer or.... I don't know why there is so much bad or even why I have to go through fibro myself, why have all this pain?!? What is the reason Lord?? And I always go back to what I do know; and I know that GOD IS LOVE!! Above all things in my life, I know that I am a child of God-a born again Christian and Who God is and that HE IS LOVE!! His love can NEVER be overstated.... All I can ever do is briefly touch on it as His love is Forever, constant, and without limits or time! He is, He was, and Always will be!! Thank Lord for choosing and loving me! Even though I don't understand all the whys or have all my answers to all my questions, I know You hold me in the palm of Your Hand, my name is inscribed on it, Tattoo'd, marked forever like my name that is proudly in the Book of Life....Thank You Lord for not only saving me for all eternity, but for loving me and giving me purpose, to You be all the glory... In Jesus name, Amen

So tonight, I couldn't sleep, and I started to blog about my fibro and ended up praising God... that's how He works, but in order for God to work in your life, you have to give your life to Him. When we can't go another step, He can. When we have fallen and can't get up for the umpteenth millionth time, he will lift us up and hold us close. It may not be the life I would have chosen, but if this life is what draws me more toward God, then maybe the things I have been blogging and praying are "blessings in disguise". (That is also a song by Laura Blessing and wow, does it touch the heart). My life, my core, is Christ. My body, it's core, fibromyalgia. It is only with God that I make it through this fibro-fogged world of pain, only through Him that I have true and everlasting joy! I can only feel His joy though when I learn to give Him my sorrows....

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