Monday, August 8, 2011

Running to Nowhere

It is nearly 4 am and I can't sleep.... at all!!! I find myself sinking into a pit of despair and depression, intermixed with times of mania.... I am having a nervous breakdown! Really, I am... and idk if its as much as me or my brain chemistry.... I should be happy, or feel more happiness than I do about things.... cus when I'm alone with my thoughts, they run deep and I am scared! Am I running away from something, too afraid to run into the new, or do I just feel stuck in the mire of indecision? Have I been running.... so angry.... fight with every last drop of blood I have, yet get me nowhere... nowhere except exhausted, hurt, bloodied, and bruised! Can I feel things I never thought I would? Am I beyond repair? What do I want? Where do I want to go/be? Am I fighting my own feelings? Are they real, guilt, fear, scared? Are my scars to deep to ever fully open up.... Is this God calling me? At my end with nothing, BUT GOD!!!! But God, it's also very hard!!! My confusion runs deep, I can't sleep, can't rest, hurts to feel..... I cried and cried and cried and...... that was tonight... yet I hide it from the world... even my girls.... only God and my tears keep me company tonight! I feel like an emotional mess inside.... but whats even worse, I hurt on the outside... The pain as I move, shoots and radiates up and I feel the effects of fibromyalgia today..... my old enemy yet is always with me, pain.... my foe or friend? how do you make peace with pain? but isn't ironic that what we all want is peace and to get along... yet we FIGHT to gain PEACE?!? hmmmmm....Its an all to familiar pain, managed, yet always present, and until I quit running and stop and deal, the pain will continue to linger..... until finally, I feel like I have been emotionally eaten alive! When will I stop running and deal with my emotions.... can I? how thick and tall are my walls? Is it too late? what do I have to offer? pain, hurt, failure.... or the moments when I am making it through.... nobody sees this side..... where I hate my life at times! I wish I didn't.... I miss feeling close to God..... Is it Him, His calling--is that what I am running from..... I am so scared of hurting that I run in place and get nowhere.... except more pain and more running and more fear and more pain and ..... the cycle won't stop until I stop and deal with my heart and my hurts....

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