Sunday, May 1, 2011

Life is..... (philosophies)

I wanted to take a moment and write about what it "really feels like" to live with the fibro....

So me and the girls went to Wal-Mart Saturday evening and boy did that take a lot out of me! I was wiped out!! The girls were an amazing help! I couldn't do all I do without them!! People come up and ask you how its going. You respond with the usual ok and you, but inside, no! We look fine on the outside and with fibro there is no cure and no one know the reason for fibro, its hard! We say were ok, but were NOT! If I were tell how I really felt, it would be screamed: "I HURT!! IT SUCKS RIGHT NOW!! I'M GROUCHY, I DONT FEEL GOOD, AND I WANT TO GO HOME!!" That's how I really feel sometimes at walmart and when shopping and running errands, working on big projects, or just having a flare-up cus of a simple thing like the weather!! I don't feel normal! Im not normal! I have fibromyalgia and my life is forever changed! I am so glad and blessed and thankful for my wonderful supportive family!! The truth is too much and so I shove my pains,hurts, and thoughts down and put on a smile and tell you Im ok, but Im not. I won't be. I can't be. Im not. But that is not appropriate small talk. So I shove it down deeper and hide it away and tell you Im ok, but Im not. So I unload here....

Life is so different for me and my family! I have so many limits and issues with my health. Life is hard with fibromyalgia! The little things people do and take forgranted take a lot out of someone with fibro (or any other chronic pain disorder). Life is different for me. I feel like an outsider looking in at times..... other times I feel strong and confidant... and still other times just plain worn out and feeling defeated! I am thankful still for my life and my family and my home and my many blessings... and thankful MOST OF ALL, that God chose me and called me and I am His! God is there every step of the way. Jesus in me! Honestly, that is my anchor, my strength, what I cling to in the dark and in the storms! JESUS IS MY "LIFE-JACKET"! I look upon my life and know a lot more now at 35 then I ever did at 25! And even though I would and could live without this pain, there are some things I would never change for the world!! Even if they hurt...

Life is compared to being mountains of ups and valleys of downs. Like life is two things. Either happy or sad. I think life is more like a railroad track that sweeps and swerves the hillsides going high up and over rickety bridges to the very valleys where you can hear the streams babble.... Never COMPLETELY good or bad, but bittersweet! Even amidst the bad times, there are still good things going on.... and even in the best of times, there will always be sadness and something/someone missing. Like when I gave birth to my youngest daughter; amongst the happiest of moments, there was a sadness because her grandfather had died shortly before. Or in the midst of one of my most painful losses, God gave me a comfort that was more than I could imagine! Even in my pain, I could feel His peace and His love.... He showed me it through ways I never thought possible... But that's because He's God! Nothing is Impossible with God!! He IS THE GOD OF IMPOSSIBLE!! HE MAKES ALL THINGS POSSIBLE!!! He is God and is there for me good and bad.

Ultimately, when I look at where I am today in life, I smile! Genuinely too! I never in a million years thought this is where'd I'd be, that this is how I feel, or that this is who I'd be! But I love me! I don't love every part of my life, but I love God Who holds my life and has a plan bigger than me! I may not understand it, and it may not seem fair, but I know Who God is and that He can be trusted! He is love 1st and formost! Not just that, He has called me by name and has a purpose and a plan for me.... I thank the Lord for the many blessings I have and put my faith in trust in Him Who Can and Does and Is!! He breathes new life in me when I am down and loves me NO MATTER what!! I am HIS!! Knowing God and knowing the girls know God.... It's all ok!!

I heard the other day a cool quote that is quite fitting for this blog: "It'll all work out in the end, it's the middle that's the hard part". (Body of Proof show-paraphrased). As Christians, our end is with Christ Heavenbound and life here on earth is the middle and it's HARD!! Just a thought!! :)

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