Tuesday, May 17, 2011

NOT MY WRITING: from a chronic pain survery/extract of an interview (but oh, how I relate!!)

The pain is horrible. All I can think of is this pain inside my body. Even my dreams are haunted by it. Last week, I saw myself in a hospital bed and the doctor was telling me I will be bed-ridden for the rest of my life. I woke up shaking, in tears, with this lump in my stomach. Ever since, I cannot stop thinking about it. And when memories of previous agonizing pain episodes pop into my head, I feel like there has never been a time in my life when I was free from this pain – and that there never will ever be.

There are so many things I feel like I should be doing. So many things I wish I could do. Instead I am stuck, unable to fight this pain that is eating me. I wish there was something I could do to soothe the pain. On the contrary, maybe the pain will get worse if I do this, if I eat that, or if I say something I should not. Before I go out or engage in any activity I need to weigh how much my pain will increase and if it is worth it – most of the time it is not. So I do nothing with my days. I try to survive. The pain prevents me from having a normal life. It would not allow me to do those things I like. It scares me to think that it controls my life – what I do, what I think, what I eat- well, everything! I would give up anything to have a normal life. I cannot go on like this anymore.

I cannot be up to people’s expectation of me. I cannot help others. I cannot fulfil my various responsibilities towards the people I love and the people who love me. I am a burden to them. This is why I wish I could make this pain disappear. This is not the life I want. I hate this condition I have. I wish I never had it. Until I am able to get rid of it, I will be a prisoner of my own body.

*I did not write this, but I felt it from the beginning to the end! I know I am not alone.... right now things may seem bleak pain and not feeling good wise, but things WILL get better! Not overnight, but step by step, little by little, one day at a time.....

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