neck needs healed

I finally got into a specialist for my neck..... last Thursday, he was awesome, and kind, and knew what he was talking about it and really listened to me and seemed to genuinely care.... it has been years and I would like relief on this left neck shoulder area, it is very difficult and keeps me from way too much!!!! anyway, my doctor said for me to stay off the computer more cuz of the way you have to turn, keep you head, and how it pulls on my neck..... I am focusing on doing my exercises daily, keeping well, and getting better..... but it also means less computer and facebook and.... thank goodness for good old fashioned books, lol! Will be on when I tho and will continue to post, just might not be daily..... Til next time!

suffering

Been reading a book called, "How to be sick" and it has been really good so far.... I have just started it and it talks about suffering.... and I love words and meanings and this really resonated and stuck out to me and I wanted to share it......

"There are two kinds of suffering, One is when we feel we're being pressed down; as though suffering is coming at us from without, as though we're receiving something that's making us suffer.  The other kind of suffering is being under, just bearing it, JUST BEING IT." ~Joko Beck

Fibromyalgia is the latter form of suffering, one that becomes a part of us, we are it... and it sucks sometimes more than others. Support is huge and I am thankful for the one that I have and all the wonderful people God has brought in my life....

past present future and somewhere inbetween

I have often wondered if there was a link between childhood abuse and fibromyalgia or other type chronic pain conditions.... I don't think we'll ever fully know if there is a link, but the one thing I do know is that by having a childhood filled with abuse and dysfunction, it is harder and harder when dealing with life as an adult.

I have hit the "wonderful" age of 35 and hitting on 36 soon.... heading straight to 40, noooo!!!!!! And as I get older and my kids get older, by brain can go... and my heart, as a mom, and a person, feels so much! I love being a mom and love having children.... But along with having the good and wonderful and even awe-inspiring at times, it can be so hard with my past and at times it rears it's ugly head......  Having chronic pain doesn't help, it's another weight that can weigh me down, heavy and suffocating and leaving me feeling alone...

Another of the many other thoughts that bounce through my head, it is their age, that I was their age when I endured the worst of my mother's rage and wrath? I spent the first half going through abuse and the second half burying my past, locking it up and throwing away the key, and THEN doing it ALL different!! And that is A choice... I love my kids and I CHOOSE to do different by them! Never in a million years could I do to them what was done to me! NEVER!!! (And this has taken therapy, I truly believe that to overcome such violent and traumatic pasts that it does take help and trained professionals are so helpful!! )

So I will continue to persevere, go forward, and get the help I need to be able to have a peace with the past.... maybe I will write a book, my daughters tell me I should, but they also say it would make them cry. I try not too make others cry from my memories, I try not to cry with them.... Life today is hard enough with just being a single mom.... and having fibro, now I get to deal with the past, woot-woot!! But it will be ok, the present is, the past is gone and the future, God holds it. I may not know or see what is in store for me and my life.... I see the gray and blahs and other times the brightness that comes from my kids and my family and friends... those that I really love and those that love me... I am so thankful for the family I have today and know that not only have I made their lives different by being such an integral part of it, but they have change mine forever as well!!! Thank You Lord for all You have blessed me with, everyday, even when I have a hard time seeing it.....

On Abuse

On abuse:

"The younger the victim, the more vulnerable he is. The more developmental skills and life experiences uncontaminated by trauma a child has, the more he has to draw on in the face of trauma. When life goes well, and children are loved and protected, each day is like a deposit in a savings account. Neglect, repeated physical abuse or sexual assault...or other life-threatening events, make huge withdrawals on the account. The more a child has in the bank when the trauma occurs, the better the prognosis for a quick recovery. Small children who are repeatedly traumatized usually have few deposits and easily become emotionally bankrupt. 

In troubled families, the thinking around who is responsible is convoluted at best. Abusive parents externalize, blaming other people, places and things for their behavior. They compensate by controlling everyone around them. But...in their heart of hearts...they feel out of control. They must blame others because it is too painful to take responsibility for their unhappiness. Children are easy targets because they cannot challenge their parent's thinking errors. Few children can argue when facing an enraged mother. Hearing accusations often enough, children come to believe that they are responsible for their parent's troubled behavior.

Feelings begin in the body, not in the mind. Many survivors say, "I know what happened wasn't my fault, but I still feel somewhat unlovable and damaged. My self-worth is measured by how other people see me. My head knows that is wrong, but my heart feels differently. Thinking comes much more easily to me...it's still a big risk to feel. If I ever started to cry, I'd cry a river. If I ever felt the terror of it all, I'd disintegrate into nothingness."

Beyond teaching children to recognize and articulate their feelings, parents help children to contain and express feelings constructively. When children do not learn how to do this they may become overwhelmed by them, experiencing them as floods. They may come to fear or loathe their feelings.

Adults from abusive homes can also become pain-avoidant. Survivors attempt to control the people and events around them so that they will never feel pain again.

What is most tragic about pain-avoidant behavior is that it is a defense against something that has already happened and cannot be undone. A survivor cannot live fully in the present until he or she has the past in perspective. Sometimes being preoccupied and defensive about the pain waiting in the future is just a distraction from addressing the real pain in the past.

To be intimate is to risk pain. There are no guanantees. To miss years of loving to avoid the pain of loss is too high a price to pay.

When the losses engendered by trauma are fully mourned, the trauma loses its power over the survivor. Instead of the emotional breakdown they feared...survivors experience an emotional breakthrough! Completing the grieving process means divorcing the trauma from one's sense of identity and self-worth. 

(from the blog: http://adultsurvivors.blogspot.com/)

*I am currently looking to see if there is a link between fibro/chronic pain and childhood abuse. Also, I have really been struggling lately... i don't know if it's cuz my girls are the age I was when it was hell, or if it's cuz in breaking the cycle I see all I endured and who my mother is now.... I am going to look into some counseling and have an appt tomorrow to check into it. ~B

Monday's day

Today is Monday... the start of the business work.... well, I had some personal business I had to do.... I had to tell someone that I cared about a lot that things can't go a certain way (at least for now), but I must say I was MORE than respected!!! It is hard to have to tell people things you know they don't want to hear and you don't want to have to say either.... but whether it be family, kids, health, timing>your's and/or God's, it is a time to heal for everyone..... but what they respect, is PLZ, tell me what's up!! They would rather hear the truth that be blown off..... I know I would.... I prayed and asked God for the words and it worked out.... and I am honestly glad I got my moxy and addressed the issue! God knows what He is doing and I am s

Same holds true for fibro.... I am NOT ashamed of my limitations, I am proud of what I do get accomplished! If someone can not deal with the fact that it is a day by day thing with planning, especially now with this "protruding disc" in my neck I am also struggling with..... even right I am feeling my a limitation..... I am gonna fall asleep sitting up here on the couch on my laptop, and that isn't good for fibro either.....

So to sum it all up, Jesus tells us to treat others like we would want to be treated and the truth will set us free.... and as we act upon His words, may He guide us and may we know His direction for our lives, lives WITH fibro, but still fill of life!!

Tx for reading! =)

Who I am in Christ

I sit here and think how different my life is now then when I was a kid..... boy have I grown up.... in SO many ways! Emotionally, life sucked for me growing up, it was just me and my single mom, and I don't say this with hatred, but she is crazy and it makes me sad but I can't have a relationship with her....

With all of my heart I believe God's purpose, His plan.... what He called me for; to break the cycle! And with His help, and only cuz of Him, I have made it... I still have room to grow, but I did this! Not by myself and not of myself, GO GOD!!! Only He can truly change the heart....

I look back at who I once was, an I don't even recognize her... I am now His, well, I was always His, I just didn't see it sometimes cuz of my stubborn heart! But God chose me, called me, and He will NEVER let me or my girls go.... He holds us close in His hand and with Him.

I can also say I forgive my mom, and even my birth-father.... His forgiveness, His love, all He asks, is that I give Him my heart, and He promises to love me forever and never let me go!!! God's love is so unfathomable!!!! And He is why I am who I am and who I'm gonna be! Without Him, I would have nothing to hope in, but with Him, I have true joy and love that can only be found IN HIM!

I love you Lord and thank you for saving me not only from my past, but also saving me from myself, and who I would be without You..... You make me a loving and caring mom and I couldn't ask for better kids either! Thank you Lord for never giving up and for holding and keeping "our little family" together in Your arms, where we are safe, forever and ever....Amen      ~B

protruding disc :\

MY ORIG POST, AND my friends in my chronic pain group(s) are WONDERFUL!!!

So I saw my doc today.... went well, trying a new 24 hour muscle relaxer (it's an older one, not supposed to make people as tired), will let you all know... AND WE LOOKED AT MY MRI, I knew I wasn't crazy, It shows disc protrusion between my C3 and C4 (in the neck) and it's bulging TO THE LEFT! Right where I feel the pain!!With fibro I am not a good candidate for surgery (with my fibro), nerve block (done them before) is what I will be looking into,AND I'm not as bad AS I WAS 2 years ago, so the recovery and such would hopefully be a lot better this time.... I have done the physical therapy, and that is TOO aggressive, does anyone have any stretches to push that disc back? It would be nice to actually fix this, not just block it if at all possible. (*I will be looking at the specialist the first part of January, doing some local shots here on the 1st of November and wanna wait til after the holidays, cuz the nerve blocks take a while while your nerve endings SLOWLY continue to die over a few week period, not fun!)

My Response to all their wonderful help and words of encouragement!

Ty everyone..... I am just feeling "blah" about it right now.... I mean, my fibro is getting managed, but this neck crap, ha!!! I wish I could just fix it, but no, gotta love fibro <insert sarcasm here>. The new muscle relaxer, actually it's an oldie, 24 hours and not supposed to make you tired, i took it this afternoon and still feel ok, similar to skelaxin i would say.... it is called, "Piroxicam". Oh, and to top it all off, my doc is preg (and i am SO happy for her, but she is gonna be gone from Jan 1st -April 1st) I asked her about it and she said they were gonna have a fill in..... praying for a good doc, even half as good as her! :\


*(This was what I posted on FB tonight).... I really wish and pray for healing.... I would love to see my fibro go into remission!!!!! One day and one step at a time!