Thursday, September 15, 2011
from flu to cold, NOOO!!!!! :P
This morning I was asked, "how are you feeling?" my reply, "if by better you mean not throwing up and falling out of bed, then I'm doing great!" It started last night, and went form 0 to 60 in 2.5 (hours, lol)... It started with a splitting headache, that was soon followed by my stomach feeling yucky, I thought at first it was from the MASSIVE head-splitting-ache, but no, then a fever, then throwing up!!! It was THAT BAD!!! By morning, I think I was done throwing up for the most part, girls went to school and I slept and slept and rested.... by afternoon I was ready to eat some crackers and drink some apple juice.... by evening, much better, my fibro didn't think so, so took some medicine and took it easy, NOW THOUGH, my nose is drippy and my throat is scratchy... NOOO!!!! not a cold!!! At least the girls have a full day of school tomorrow and I can rest up some... and since it's the weekend, have the girls do some "extra" chores to help out... they are great at pitching in usually when I go down with being sick(er than normal), lol!!! Thanks for letting me vent.... It just sucks to be sick and even worse when we battle to feel good daily! I am so thankful for God and my girls and my family and support system (includes online) and I know that this too shall pass....
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Oh, how I need sleep, wonderful, sweet sleep :P
So I went and got my lower back dolphin worked on today. OMG!! Did I forget HOW much it hurt at first.... got a little one that says, "my gma luvs my tats" on my bumm! It didn't hurt and is too funny!!! The lower back one is a work in progress and I will need one more sitting, I used to be much tougher, but I did do good and was in the chair for about an hour and a half.... could have gone another half hour on shading, but no, not today! It is different.... I am gonna put something cool above it and tie it in.... Hint, Hint, Christmas.... lol
So for as good as it is and yes, getting the tattoo made me happy, I feel so bleck in a way..... can't sleep, have fibro, just been feeling these moodfluxes and think I need to up my effexor,,, I know some, well, a lot of it is going of the fentanyl patch..... It keeps coming and I just cry... it sucks..... and flaring up and pain don't help at all either.... what is wrong with me?!? I also hate being "single". I hate going to bed in an empty bed, I hate that I'm divorced, I hate that I have been left over and over and over and feel this way!!! Yay for blogging.... 8P 2moro I am gonna take an emotional day..... I really feel crummy.... I'd like to put down words of encouragement, but my words even fail me tonight.... alone... another night.... by myself to battle my nightmares alone...feeling alone.... I know that I know that I know that God is right here with me, but I also know depression and how it creeps up and grabs me!!!
(that is how i felt at like 2 am, maybe I shouldn't be online at that time, no wait, I should BE SLEEPING!!!) Sleep is sooo critical for fibro, and I am noticing how it plays on my emotions as well, the more tired, the more emotional....
I am now finishing this blog, is the next day... and I got another tat... a star... blue, for my cowboys... lol! Me and my oldest got matching stars today.... It was definitely a memory we will both NEVER forget... lol.... I once read/heard about the verse where God says our names are inscribed on His palm. Tattoos are not painless and they are indelible (meaning forever marked).
So today I slept a lot. Although I still feel stressed and down and such, and still gonna talk to my doctor when I go, I feel like the wheels are slowing their spin... It really goes to show, don't make decisions when your tired or sick, and more importantly; THE NEED FOR SLEEP... not just to restore our physical health, but for our emotional health as well. Guess that's why they say to not make a "rash decision", to sleep on it, get some rest and put it aside. And for us Christians, we don't have to JUST "set it aside", we can give it to Jesus. And pray for His peace, not ours, not the worlds, BUT HIS PEACE!!
Gonna go to bed early tonight, no caffeine cuz its already almost 6pm (no caffeine after 4pm) and gonna spend the evening with my girls and enjoying the time I have with them... It is cold and gray outside, blah, kinda like I feel, still too tired.... but I am feeling better and I will be ok! :) Really Really need to get back into a good sleep pattern! As tired as I feel right now, I don't think it will be a problem. The only problem would be me procrastinating or getting sucked into tv or internet or.... till next time ~B
So for as good as it is and yes, getting the tattoo made me happy, I feel so bleck in a way..... can't sleep, have fibro, just been feeling these moodfluxes and think I need to up my effexor,,, I know some, well, a lot of it is going of the fentanyl patch..... It keeps coming and I just cry... it sucks..... and flaring up and pain don't help at all either.... what is wrong with me?!? I also hate being "single". I hate going to bed in an empty bed, I hate that I'm divorced, I hate that I have been left over and over and over and feel this way!!! Yay for blogging.... 8P 2moro I am gonna take an emotional day..... I really feel crummy.... I'd like to put down words of encouragement, but my words even fail me tonight.... alone... another night.... by myself to battle my nightmares alone...feeling alone.... I know that I know that I know that God is right here with me, but I also know depression and how it creeps up and grabs me!!!
(that is how i felt at like 2 am, maybe I shouldn't be online at that time, no wait, I should BE SLEEPING!!!) Sleep is sooo critical for fibro, and I am noticing how it plays on my emotions as well, the more tired, the more emotional....
I am now finishing this blog, is the next day... and I got another tat... a star... blue, for my cowboys... lol! Me and my oldest got matching stars today.... It was definitely a memory we will both NEVER forget... lol.... I once read/heard about the verse where God says our names are inscribed on His palm. Tattoos are not painless and they are indelible (meaning forever marked).
So today I slept a lot. Although I still feel stressed and down and such, and still gonna talk to my doctor when I go, I feel like the wheels are slowing their spin... It really goes to show, don't make decisions when your tired or sick, and more importantly; THE NEED FOR SLEEP... not just to restore our physical health, but for our emotional health as well. Guess that's why they say to not make a "rash decision", to sleep on it, get some rest and put it aside. And for us Christians, we don't have to JUST "set it aside", we can give it to Jesus. And pray for His peace, not ours, not the worlds, BUT HIS PEACE!!
Gonna go to bed early tonight, no caffeine cuz its already almost 6pm (no caffeine after 4pm) and gonna spend the evening with my girls and enjoying the time I have with them... It is cold and gray outside, blah, kinda like I feel, still too tired.... but I am feeling better and I will be ok! :) Really Really need to get back into a good sleep pattern! As tired as I feel right now, I don't think it will be a problem. The only problem would be me procrastinating or getting sucked into tv or internet or.... till next time ~B
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
my tapestry
I posted this to facebook and wanted to share it here.... short and sweet.... (if you know me, well, that's hard to do... the short part... lol)
My life is like a quilted tapestry.With fibro there are lots of dark hues. I can't see the completed tapestry, but even with all the somber shades, it is still a beautiful tapestry! Unique, one of a kind. There has never been and there never will be another tapestry of it's kind! And the best thing about my tapestry, it is held in the hands of my Loving Creator God!! :
My life is like a quilted tapestry.With fibro there are lots of dark hues. I can't see the completed tapestry, but even with all the somber shades, it is still a beautiful tapestry! Unique, one of a kind. There has never been and there never will be another tapestry of it's kind! And the best thing about my tapestry, it is held in the hands of my Loving Creator God!! :
Having Fibro and Being a Christian
Fibro, Fibro, go away.... and don't come back another day..... Oh my!! It has been one of those day! I literally hurt from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. It hurt just to pick up a large soda... this is not normal and NOT fun either!! And now, I tried to go to bed, but the pain is shooting and oh, I want it to stop... I hate flare-ups.... I should take a hot shower or bath, but even that takes energy I do not have! I feel very depleted and feel like my fibro has sucked part of my life away... Just standing even took it's toll on my tonight....
I try not to let it, but there are days when it knocks me down and I am not getting up any time soon! I want to sleep, but the pain is throbbing and burning and shooting up my left side... I have had this pain before and have noticed it more and more.... as long as it doesn't lead to the debilitating headaches I used to get!!! If I start to feel like I need to, I will see the specialist to talk about the radio-frequency procedure to deaden my nerves in that area!
It's very hard to feel happy when I hurt this much! When I was "trying" to move around, all I could do was hold my arms up, but even the lightest touch hurt as well.... I just sat down in my room and cried... and prayed.... And YES God is with me, but I am still human and I hurt and I mourn and I cry! What does help me is knowing God sees my tears and is right there beside me, whether I "feel" Him there or not... that doesn't change Who He Is!!
I hate pain days... Not only do I hurt, I am also SOOOO tired! One nice thing with the girls in school, I can rest and sleep... I have noticed mondays are my WORST days.... I was tender the last few days, but today it's like all that tenderness went deep into my musles and skeletal system and is now pushing to get back out, yet stuck, so tight, I keep trying and trying to relax my neck/shoulder muscles, but it hurts to even move it much... especially my left side, it shoots from the neck area (where one of my worst trouble spots/areas are) and it shoots up and down, I can't hardly turn my neck, my mobility sucks, and right now, it just plain sucks!!
I am so blessed to have the support system I do have. Some people may think it's a given that I'll be ok, but I need to hear it. I feel more vulnerable and more emotional when my pain/fibro is flaring up. I appreciate and need all the support I have! Just a word to say, it'll be ok.... thank you to all my wonderful friends, including all the wonderful fellow fibro/chronic pain survivors, and family! You have no idea how much the support is means to me! Well, if it means this much to me, and it means that much to you, then we are mutually supporting one another....Besides sleep, support is a HUGE key in the healing process of fibromyalgia! But Fibro is also very isolating as it hurts to go out. It hurts just to hold yourself up. Being online in facegroup sites and such has been absolutely wonderful for me!! I has been a tremendous help and I am exceeding greatful!
As much as I have fibromyalgia, I am also a Christian. I became a Christian BEFORE I had fibro and like every other relationship in my life, my relationship with Jesus Christ also changed! In some ways it is stronger and in other ways, there are new cracks and misunderstandings... from my part, cuz God is God and God is good and God is love and God doesn't make mistakes... but then why are so many of us hurting or sick or in pain or get cancer or.... I don't know why there is so much bad or even why I have to go through fibro myself, why have all this pain?!? What is the reason Lord?? And I always go back to what I do know; and I know that GOD IS LOVE!! Above all things in my life, I know that I am a child of God-a born again Christian and Who God is and that HE IS LOVE!! His love can NEVER be overstated.... All I can ever do is briefly touch on it as His love is Forever, constant, and without limits or time! He is, He was, and Always will be!! Thank Lord for choosing and loving me! Even though I don't understand all the whys or have all my answers to all my questions, I know You hold me in the palm of Your Hand, my name is inscribed on it, Tattoo'd, marked forever like my name that is proudly in the Book of Life....Thank You Lord for not only saving me for all eternity, but for loving me and giving me purpose, to You be all the glory... In Jesus name, Amen
So tonight, I couldn't sleep, and I started to blog about my fibro and ended up praising God... that's how He works, but in order for God to work in your life, you have to give your life to Him. When we can't go another step, He can. When we have fallen and can't get up for the umpteenth millionth time, he will lift us up and hold us close. It may not be the life I would have chosen, but if this life is what draws me more toward God, then maybe the things I have been blogging and praying are "blessings in disguise". (That is also a song by Laura Blessing and wow, does it touch the heart). My life, my core, is Christ. My body, it's core, fibromyalgia. It is only with God that I make it through this fibro-fogged world of pain, only through Him that I have true and everlasting joy! I can only feel His joy though when I learn to give Him my sorrows....
I try not to let it, but there are days when it knocks me down and I am not getting up any time soon! I want to sleep, but the pain is throbbing and burning and shooting up my left side... I have had this pain before and have noticed it more and more.... as long as it doesn't lead to the debilitating headaches I used to get!!! If I start to feel like I need to, I will see the specialist to talk about the radio-frequency procedure to deaden my nerves in that area!
It's very hard to feel happy when I hurt this much! When I was "trying" to move around, all I could do was hold my arms up, but even the lightest touch hurt as well.... I just sat down in my room and cried... and prayed.... And YES God is with me, but I am still human and I hurt and I mourn and I cry! What does help me is knowing God sees my tears and is right there beside me, whether I "feel" Him there or not... that doesn't change Who He Is!!
I hate pain days... Not only do I hurt, I am also SOOOO tired! One nice thing with the girls in school, I can rest and sleep... I have noticed mondays are my WORST days.... I was tender the last few days, but today it's like all that tenderness went deep into my musles and skeletal system and is now pushing to get back out, yet stuck, so tight, I keep trying and trying to relax my neck/shoulder muscles, but it hurts to even move it much... especially my left side, it shoots from the neck area (where one of my worst trouble spots/areas are) and it shoots up and down, I can't hardly turn my neck, my mobility sucks, and right now, it just plain sucks!!
I am so blessed to have the support system I do have. Some people may think it's a given that I'll be ok, but I need to hear it. I feel more vulnerable and more emotional when my pain/fibro is flaring up. I appreciate and need all the support I have! Just a word to say, it'll be ok.... thank you to all my wonderful friends, including all the wonderful fellow fibro/chronic pain survivors, and family! You have no idea how much the support is means to me! Well, if it means this much to me, and it means that much to you, then we are mutually supporting one another....Besides sleep, support is a HUGE key in the healing process of fibromyalgia! But Fibro is also very isolating as it hurts to go out. It hurts just to hold yourself up. Being online in facegroup sites and such has been absolutely wonderful for me!! I has been a tremendous help and I am exceeding greatful!
As much as I have fibromyalgia, I am also a Christian. I became a Christian BEFORE I had fibro and like every other relationship in my life, my relationship with Jesus Christ also changed! In some ways it is stronger and in other ways, there are new cracks and misunderstandings... from my part, cuz God is God and God is good and God is love and God doesn't make mistakes... but then why are so many of us hurting or sick or in pain or get cancer or.... I don't know why there is so much bad or even why I have to go through fibro myself, why have all this pain?!? What is the reason Lord?? And I always go back to what I do know; and I know that GOD IS LOVE!! Above all things in my life, I know that I am a child of God-a born again Christian and Who God is and that HE IS LOVE!! His love can NEVER be overstated.... All I can ever do is briefly touch on it as His love is Forever, constant, and without limits or time! He is, He was, and Always will be!! Thank Lord for choosing and loving me! Even though I don't understand all the whys or have all my answers to all my questions, I know You hold me in the palm of Your Hand, my name is inscribed on it, Tattoo'd, marked forever like my name that is proudly in the Book of Life....Thank You Lord for not only saving me for all eternity, but for loving me and giving me purpose, to You be all the glory... In Jesus name, Amen
So tonight, I couldn't sleep, and I started to blog about my fibro and ended up praising God... that's how He works, but in order for God to work in your life, you have to give your life to Him. When we can't go another step, He can. When we have fallen and can't get up for the umpteenth millionth time, he will lift us up and hold us close. It may not be the life I would have chosen, but if this life is what draws me more toward God, then maybe the things I have been blogging and praying are "blessings in disguise". (That is also a song by Laura Blessing and wow, does it touch the heart). My life, my core, is Christ. My body, it's core, fibromyalgia. It is only with God that I make it through this fibro-fogged world of pain, only through Him that I have true and everlasting joy! I can only feel His joy though when I learn to give Him my sorrows....
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
fibro found in a nutshell
I started feeling offish and some aches and muscle spasms 2001, then thru 2003 tests and more tests and lots of research on my part (you definitely have to be a "health-team" WITH your doctor). In 2005 I was officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia. November of 2007 I had a surgery with SEVERAL complications and my life went from manageable to CRAP (that's the nice work) overnite!!! And the pain became beyond intense and my body just fell apart so to speak! The last couple of years I have had good health care, the last year THE BEST!!! and I am doing better and better everyday! My goal is to get to my pre-surgery health.... oh, and I am 35 yrs old and have a 15 yr old and 11 yr old daughterS. The Lord has seen me through so much and continues to move in my life even if I don't feel Him.... This was from the new inspire.com website that I posted and wanted to put it on my blog as it is my timeline so to speak!!! til next time....
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
soooo tired-weaning down on patch
I am so tired and dragging and drained..... I am offish.... have been on the 50mcg fentanyl patch and about a week ago tried the 25mcg.... I have been sleeping, and sleeping, and sleeping..... I am assuming it is the switch, and I really want to get down on it.... when I went from 75 to 50 I actually felt better, this time it is harder.... but I am determined and gonna give it my all!!! Nothing to lose except to go back where I started, which is the same, so really, nothing to lose and feeling better to gain! Fentanyl is a strong drug and has some horrible side effects! I realistically think I will be on the 25 patch for quite a while, do NOT want to go through winter without it and I know my body and I do need this little help.... And the patches are WAY smaller and I can find spots on my body for them!! so, I am gonna be optimistic..... only time will tell..... and speaking of sleep, it is calling me.... 'nite all!!!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
On this day.....
So it's that time of year.... a time to celebrate another American tradition.... Labor Day.... I am not in the work force, and on that day the kids are home, so I actually have more "labor"..... and so do the girls... gonna put them to work, hahahaha!!! being the mean mom that I am.... And the only other labor that I could be celebrating is childbirth labor.... That was pure HELL!!! It was THAT bad!!!! I wouldn't go back and not have them, but I would go back and have had planned C-sections with BOTH of them.... the only problem with that type of "labor" celebration is that from that wonderful beautiful moment I brought my wonderful daughters into this world (thank You Lord for them), I have been working ever since.... now I gotta teach my (way too beautiful) 15 yr. old to drive, then there's boys.... oh, boy!!!! That's a whole other blog tho..... =)
I am now a 35 year old woman...... it seems a life-time ago I met, fell in love with, and married my (ex)husband.... I was 16 when we met and he was 20. We had our 1st date right before my 17th birthday (his 21st) and we dated a year and a half and married.... about 2 years later we had our first daughter, 3 yrs 8 months later we had our 2nd daughter. We both knew that we only wanted 2 children and God blessed us immensely more than I could have ever dreamed or imagined! I was 20 when I had my first daughter and JUST turned when I had my youngest. My whole world has been forever altered. As much as fibro has changed my life, having kids, woah! Completely turned it inside out and upside down and every way in between!! AND IT'S ALL WORTH IT!!! :D Kids are my reason on this earth to keep going.... Without God I would be a mess, my girls.... they keep me going!! I love them soooo much.... they have no idea!!! I know that as they age and mature they will see it more.... I hope even more though is that as much as I love them, I hope and pray that they know God loves them even more!
Having kids, that's my occupation.... I used to be a wife... now, no.... I never thought for a million years that I would be here in this positon.... divorced, a single mom, failed relationship after relationship.... eeehhhh, it sucks..... If it weren't for God I don't know how people can get through anything in life... cuz it is REALLY hard sometimes! I became a bride on this day, 17 years ago..... over half a lifetime... And today is Saturday no less.... I think I tried to put it aside, and honestly it has been easier this year, but rite now as I am blogging this I could cry... not because I want my marriage back, just sad to look at the losses, the rubble left behind, the kids, the scars, the hurts, the tears.... If I could go back in time and change things, I would.... and I know that "others" would too, but you can't turn back the hands of time.... you can only go forward... one way and one way only! time accelerates.... going, going, gone....
I know that God will see me through as He has sooo many times before! I pray that God will hold me and those that need Him on this day.... I pray that not only will you bless me and the girls, I also pray that you will bless their father and give him Your comfort and peace this day as well.... Help us all and thank You for being with us and guiding us on this new journey we are on.... Happy Anniversary M, I wish you all the best
I am now a 35 year old woman...... it seems a life-time ago I met, fell in love with, and married my (ex)husband.... I was 16 when we met and he was 20. We had our 1st date right before my 17th birthday (his 21st) and we dated a year and a half and married.... about 2 years later we had our first daughter, 3 yrs 8 months later we had our 2nd daughter. We both knew that we only wanted 2 children and God blessed us immensely more than I could have ever dreamed or imagined! I was 20 when I had my first daughter and JUST turned when I had my youngest. My whole world has been forever altered. As much as fibro has changed my life, having kids, woah! Completely turned it inside out and upside down and every way in between!! AND IT'S ALL WORTH IT!!! :D Kids are my reason on this earth to keep going.... Without God I would be a mess, my girls.... they keep me going!! I love them soooo much.... they have no idea!!! I know that as they age and mature they will see it more.... I hope even more though is that as much as I love them, I hope and pray that they know God loves them even more!
Having kids, that's my occupation.... I used to be a wife... now, no.... I never thought for a million years that I would be here in this positon.... divorced, a single mom, failed relationship after relationship.... eeehhhh, it sucks..... If it weren't for God I don't know how people can get through anything in life... cuz it is REALLY hard sometimes! I became a bride on this day, 17 years ago..... over half a lifetime... And today is Saturday no less.... I think I tried to put it aside, and honestly it has been easier this year, but rite now as I am blogging this I could cry... not because I want my marriage back, just sad to look at the losses, the rubble left behind, the kids, the scars, the hurts, the tears.... If I could go back in time and change things, I would.... and I know that "others" would too, but you can't turn back the hands of time.... you can only go forward... one way and one way only! time accelerates.... going, going, gone....
I know that God will see me through as He has sooo many times before! I pray that God will hold me and those that need Him on this day.... I pray that not only will you bless me and the girls, I also pray that you will bless their father and give him Your comfort and peace this day as well.... Help us all and thank You for being with us and guiding us on this new journey we are on.... Happy Anniversary M, I wish you all the best
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