Monday, May 30, 2011

Memorial Day Weekend: pace urself

It's memorial day weekend, and the yard work is calling you..... Remember, take is slow and take it easy! It is VERY VERY EASY to overdo things... But remember, things didn't get the way they are overnite, and things can't be fixed overnite either. Take a moment and savor the LITTLE things, they ALL ADD UP, next thing you look up, things look beautiful!! AND ITS OK TO ASK FOR HELP!! People want to help but can't know if you don't ask. It's better to ask for help than to "kill yourself" trying to "do it all". The 1 ? I always ask myself: Is what Im doing worth the pain and/or discomfort that comes later? BUT NO MATTER WHAT: take it easy!! One day at a time..... Breathe... it will all be ok! :)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Agape' love

School is out and now I have the girls home..... I am very grateful because there are so many tasks that are too physical for me and I require a "set of hands", but its also hard because I don't like from them to see me sick and it is hard when u all live together under one roof! Between the good and the bad, we are family and grow stonger together.... I am their mom and they are my daughters, and in the end, having fibro (which includes not just the pain, but being sick, tired, etc...) has actually brought us closer together. To be there when things are good is easy, but to be there and conquer through the bad together, well, thats what makes us family!! We don't just love each other with a shallow superficial love, but one that looks out for the other person! At 14 and 11, they have an empathy you don't normally see in children. God is continually in our lives, and that is what makes our family possible! His agape' love is an example for all of us and I am thankful that He is in my heart and will NEVER let me go and NEVER give up on me!! He loves me with my best interests.... and I am thankful that He is God and that He is good!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

NOT MY WRITING: from a chronic pain survery/extract of an interview (but oh, how I relate!!)

The pain is horrible. All I can think of is this pain inside my body. Even my dreams are haunted by it. Last week, I saw myself in a hospital bed and the doctor was telling me I will be bed-ridden for the rest of my life. I woke up shaking, in tears, with this lump in my stomach. Ever since, I cannot stop thinking about it. And when memories of previous agonizing pain episodes pop into my head, I feel like there has never been a time in my life when I was free from this pain – and that there never will ever be.

There are so many things I feel like I should be doing. So many things I wish I could do. Instead I am stuck, unable to fight this pain that is eating me. I wish there was something I could do to soothe the pain. On the contrary, maybe the pain will get worse if I do this, if I eat that, or if I say something I should not. Before I go out or engage in any activity I need to weigh how much my pain will increase and if it is worth it – most of the time it is not. So I do nothing with my days. I try to survive. The pain prevents me from having a normal life. It would not allow me to do those things I like. It scares me to think that it controls my life – what I do, what I think, what I eat- well, everything! I would give up anything to have a normal life. I cannot go on like this anymore.

I cannot be up to people’s expectation of me. I cannot help others. I cannot fulfil my various responsibilities towards the people I love and the people who love me. I am a burden to them. This is why I wish I could make this pain disappear. This is not the life I want. I hate this condition I have. I wish I never had it. Until I am able to get rid of it, I will be a prisoner of my own body.


*I did not write this, but I felt it from the beginning to the end! I know I am not alone.... right now things may seem bleak pain and not feeling good wise, but things WILL get better! Not overnight, but step by step, little by little, one day at a time.....

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Tummy Troubles

Well, I sit here, in the quiet, a few hours before mother's day. Tomorrow is the day where we will celebrate motherhood. I used to have a lot of mixed emotions and feeling about this holiday, it is much less now though. My girls are out shopping at this moment, and I am just watching a little basketball... Mother's day is not what is pressing me though right now. Right now, my stomach is upset. UPSET! Like it is EVERYDAY now. It's getting old! I am sooooo hungry, yet the thought of food makes my gag reflex flip a little! My tummy NEEDS food, yet I'm starving because food and my tummy are NOT friends right now! It's hard to see much else when all you feel is "crappy, crappy, crappy"!!

I had to do something about my tummy so yesterday, Friday, I had an ultrasound on my stomach area. It included not just my gall bladder, but also my liver, right kidney, pancreas, spleen, etc... My Dr. ordered 'the works'! I have lost 14 lbs. the last few months WITHOUT trying. And I am not THAT active... I sleep a lot!! I just can't eat! And when I do, I throw up a lot! I can feel how weak I am, tired, cranky, sick, IT SUCKS 2 b sick!!!! I have been having "tummy troubles" for a while now, but lately, it is becoming unbearable!! I want to be well! I want to feel better!! I want to have a Frape' from hot java or mcd's!!

Last year I can remember my tummy being sensitive and had bad days, but now, Im lucky to have good "moments"! It has gotten and is that bad! If I didn't have a good doc and weren't testing already, I would go to the ER when Im at my worst and have things looked out asap! I will know monday. Everyone is thinking gallbladder. The ultrasound will check for stones and such, but if it is "just not working correctly" that doesn't show. Something with the bile and fluids it releases, it supposed to release, and just plain doesn't! That would be another test- "hide a scan" in neuclear medicine.... I really hope this test shows something. And as much as I don't want surgery, I do hope it is my gall bladder and just get that sucker out!!

I'm not sitting here as a cheerleader going "Woo Hoo!! Take my gall bladder out! I luv surgery! L U V!!". No, I hate surgery, but I hate the idea of being sick like this more! So many little things I use to take for granted I now long for.... Please, just a nibble of that "triple fudge chocolate brownie with ice-cream"? NO! NO! NO! That's what my body tells me! I am WAY BEYOND arguing though! It seems that the more I argue and eat any yummy foods, the more my tummy rebels and 'blech'... it aint' gonna happen!! NO! NO! NO! That's what my life is with food right now.

I am on a forced diet, not a diet by choice, that's for sure!! But on a diet none the less.... DIEt.... that's how I feel...It is killing me that I can't have even a small, tiny bite of chocolate or spicy foods or rich foods or ANY foods. Dry cereals, some yogurts, bland crackers,those are the foods I get to eat. that's only when my tummy says yes that I can even have those, and then you never know if the tummy is lying to you, playing a cruel joke, a trick, a ruse, cause the next thing I know, the little bits of food that I got down come back up!! (I forgot applesauce, no juices or pop though-water only, easier to throw up anyway-all sarcasm intended). It has gotten to the point that I am ready to have surgery if that is what it is and what is needed. I never thought I'd say this, but I do pray that the ultra-sound is positive and I can have the gallbladder removed and finally start getting well.

I should know Monday, and will definately update my family and friends... crazy that some are all the way around the world in another country! I have met some neat "friends" on facebook and fellow chronic pain sufferers and have really been encouraged by many of the people I've met online. I hope that I encourage others as well. "Pay it forward". That is my specific prayer tonight... Lord, I pray that You will use me as Your vessell and that through me, You can encourage.... Fill me with Your words and give me Your peace, especially when Im feeling sick and need Your comfort the most, In Jesus, Amen Peace and God Bless

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Life is..... (philosophies)

I wanted to take a moment and write about what it "really feels like" to live with the fibro....

So me and the girls went to Wal-Mart Saturday evening and boy did that take a lot out of me! I was wiped out!! The girls were an amazing help! I couldn't do all I do without them!! People come up and ask you how its going. You respond with the usual ok and you, but inside, no! We look fine on the outside and with fibro there is no cure and no one know the reason for fibro, its hard! We say were ok, but were NOT! If I were tell how I really felt, it would be screamed: "I HURT!! IT SUCKS RIGHT NOW!! I'M GROUCHY, I DONT FEEL GOOD, AND I WANT TO GO HOME!!" That's how I really feel sometimes at walmart and when shopping and running errands, working on big projects, or just having a flare-up cus of a simple thing like the weather!! I don't feel normal! Im not normal! I have fibromyalgia and my life is forever changed! I am so glad and blessed and thankful for my wonderful supportive family!! The truth is too much and so I shove my pains,hurts, and thoughts down and put on a smile and tell you Im ok, but Im not. I won't be. I can't be. Im not. But that is not appropriate small talk. So I shove it down deeper and hide it away and tell you Im ok, but Im not. So I unload here....

Life is so different for me and my family! I have so many limits and issues with my health. Life is hard with fibromyalgia! The little things people do and take forgranted take a lot out of someone with fibro (or any other chronic pain disorder). Life is different for me. I feel like an outsider looking in at times..... other times I feel strong and confidant... and still other times just plain worn out and feeling defeated! I am thankful still for my life and my family and my home and my many blessings... and thankful MOST OF ALL, that God chose me and called me and I am His! God is there every step of the way. Jesus in me! Honestly, that is my anchor, my strength, what I cling to in the dark and in the storms! JESUS IS MY "LIFE-JACKET"! I look upon my life and know a lot more now at 35 then I ever did at 25! And even though I would and could live without this pain, there are some things I would never change for the world!! Even if they hurt...



Life is compared to being mountains of ups and valleys of downs. Like life is two things. Either happy or sad. I think life is more like a railroad track that sweeps and swerves the hillsides going high up and over rickety bridges to the very valleys where you can hear the streams babble.... Never COMPLETELY good or bad, but bittersweet! Even amidst the bad times, there are still good things going on.... and even in the best of times, there will always be sadness and something/someone missing. Like when I gave birth to my youngest daughter; amongst the happiest of moments, there was a sadness because her grandfather had died shortly before. Or in the midst of one of my most painful losses, God gave me a comfort that was more than I could imagine! Even in my pain, I could feel His peace and His love.... He showed me it through ways I never thought possible... But that's because He's God! Nothing is Impossible with God!! He IS THE GOD OF IMPOSSIBLE!! HE MAKES ALL THINGS POSSIBLE!!! He is God and is there for me good and bad.

Ultimately, when I look at where I am today in life, I smile! Genuinely too! I never in a million years thought this is where'd I'd be, that this is how I feel, or that this is who I'd be! But I love me! I don't love every part of my life, but I love God Who holds my life and has a plan bigger than me! I may not understand it, and it may not seem fair, but I know Who God is and that He can be trusted! He is love 1st and formost! Not just that, He has called me by name and has a purpose and a plan for me.... I thank the Lord for the many blessings I have and put my faith in trust in Him Who Can and Does and Is!! He breathes new life in me when I am down and loves me NO MATTER what!! I am HIS!! Knowing God and knowing the girls know God.... It's all ok!!

I heard the other day a cool quote that is quite fitting for this blog: "It'll all work out in the end, it's the middle that's the hard part". (Body of Proof show-paraphrased). As Christians, our end is with Christ Heavenbound and life here on earth is the middle and it's HARD!! Just a thought!! :)